Voices conversing about topics such as bouquets, centerpieces, dresses, and photographs float in and out of my conscious life as I go about my daily business; I'm almost oblivious to the emotions surrounding the people who are taking life changing steps I'm still not ready to think about. The diamonds dripping off dainty fingers and the pictures of couples gazing into each other's eyes longingly are only things I can watch from afar; a mere observer to this circus of clowns in slightly less traditional costumes. Playing house will soon become their reality while I'm still sipping water from little porcelaine cups with my parade of dollies as company, complete with ringlet curls and glassy eyes.
My mind can't help wandering towards the consistently lengthening lists of ex-family members; married in and married out, love found and love lost. It makes the charade being performed before my eyes more and more intimidating and hazy; something less desirable and more to be feared. Broken families are worse than broken hearts.
"Be open" says that person who keeps me straight; and I argue that I'm already too cautious. They say I'm guarded and maybe even a little cold. Just like the diamonds hanging off the fingers of the promised girls. It's not because I'm cold, but because I'm trying to be strong and I choose not to end up where the rest of the statistics ended up. This is me making a tiny effort to preserve what's left of my vulnerability for someone who will hold it gently.