You always look so tired, you say. Can I give you a hug, he asks. Don't be afraid to say that you're not okay, she tells me. Mouse, those aren't your 'true feelings', she states. What do you want from me, I scream.
Extended days of wondering if the next day will maybe be better. Hoping that I can shed despair like a reptile sheds its skin. Having the courage to admit to being discouraged. Praying my feet will drop the leaded fear that hinders every step. Waiting for despair to turn to hope.
Sometimes, you don't notice transitions from one season to another but suddenly you look around in bewilderment, wondering where the leaves went. Once again: you see the sun, the warm drink is sweet on your tongue, gentle touches leave tingles, tears come from laughter, company is desirable, conversations become encouraging, blessings in every mocassin-clad step. My feet are cozy again, as is my heart and caramel-apple filled belly.
Remember that this challenge is rewarding, she says smiling. Don't leave just yet, they plead sheepishly. I have found a family, a family that lives all over town, a family that sits in front of the fire place giggling about venetian blinds, a family that jokes about pathetic christmas trees and dropping their teenage son on his birthday. They have faith in me, can you believe it? They have faith and so do I. I believe in the quiet glances, the belly-aching guffaws, the tart apples and the sweet tea, the mail-ordered bows and the gorgeous stringed instruments lulling me to sleep. I revel in the snowy races around town, my nose red and cold.
It is just hard because I'm learning something. I will know things later; I will become wise as I grow older. This experience will not be wasted on empty words and soulless friendships. Watch me make something of this life.
You have bewitched me, body and soul - Mr. Darcy, Pride and Prejudice
Who? Who knows, yet.
What is love but the feeling I get when I am around these real people?